Shit. Shat. Shot.

There was a time, well before pregnancy and  Grace and before I gained 50 80 lbs., that my energy level wasn't in the shitter.  I know that sounds crass, but my ever plummeting motivation resides just there.  Does this listlessness coincide with my return to work?  It doesn't really matter.  What ever is causing this total lack of vigor really sucks.  

I feel like I'm being pulled in 247 different directions.  I don't want to miss a second of Grace's little existence, but know I need to be working.  After staying home with Grace for 18 months, I relish the time I have away from the house.  It feels good to have the freedom and Ryan is supportive and appreciative of my drive to work.  But after a long day at work, I'm having difficultly finding the time and energy to do all of the fun Mommy/Daughter stuff that means so much to me.  Lately, I feel like DJ Lance of Yo Gabba Gabba has done more parenting than I have. 

There was a time, again well before Grace made her debut, that money wasn't really a huge concern of mine.  I didn't need much and haven't ever been overly concerned with the finer things.  It's no secret that child rearing is costly and I want the absolute best for Grace, by any means necessary.  I'm working two jobs now and Ryan is working his usual gaggle of jobs.  Truth is, it's a lot.  I'm gone before those two wake up and when I walk in the door, Ryan's off.  The door is constantly swinging and it's hard to catch our breath.

 My biggest fear is that I'm failing Grace is my efforts to contribute financially.  (annd I'm crying)  It has always been important to me to raise my kids.  I don't want a nanny and I don't want her spending more time at a day care than she does with us.  I want to do the finger painting, I want to dish out the snacks, and I want all the hugs and kisses.   We've avoided any type of childcare thus far and plan to continue on that path.  Trouble is, between the stress from work, insufficient sleep, and the constant financial struggles, I feel myself losing patience with the wrong people - Grace included. 


But, we'll carry on, realizing we have it better than most.  What other choice do we have?  If constant exhaustion is the name of the game, pass me the Red bull and set the alarm.  Grace deserves the world and we intend on providing it for her.  Until then, we'll pray to the Mega Millions fairies and keep on keepin' on.