Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Things This Momma Won't Do!

Yes.  I watch way too much daytime television.  Soaps, talk shows, reality, you name it - I watch it.  Anyway, my channel surfing has brought a few Motherly practices to my attention that I will not indulge in. 

So. Wrong.
1.  Pageantry.   What the heck is wrong with you women?  What about dressing a child up in "full glitz" suggests a positive childhood experience?  What happened to dance classes and t-ball leagues? You know, the activities that kids participate in because they like them and not because their mother gets a $1000 check if they win. The idea of being judged based on your appearance at such a young age is outrageous. Grace is going to have to save stage makeup and fake teeth for Halloween.

Whens dinner?
2. Snot Sucking.  I'll clarify.  I'm assuming this was created by some turbo green fella who was looking to make a buck, and just couldn't  to leave well enough alone. For, well, ever - it seems like doctors and parents alike have put their faith in the traditional nasal aspirator, confident that it will successfully retrieve baby's boogies.  Then this guy came along. As though the simple act of sucking up a child's snot isn't charming enough, he's adding an entirely new facet to it's charm. But don't worry, he promises you won't get snot in your mouth. 

Just Hangin' Out.
3. The Babykeeper. Nothing about this seems safe.  I'm hopeful that my fellow Moms out there would collectively gasp if they witness someone hanging their baby from a bathroom stall.  What happened to strollers? 

Traumatized Much?
4. Hands-On Sheet.  I have no words, other than, TOTALLY CREEPY. This gives the concept of hands on parenting an entirely new and terrifying meaning.

5. Baby Dangling. As far as I've been told, swinging, dangling and hanging are not appropriate adjectives when in conjunction with baby handling. The late and great Michael Jackson.  What the heck were you thinking? If the possibility of great bodily harm wasn't enough of a deterrent for MJ, he should have thought of the photo ops. This stunt massively tarnished his parental image, and possible his child's mental health. But while he may be the pioneer of this practice, he is not the only proprietor.  This lady believes that swinging baby back and forth in the air and hanging baby upside down is just good Yoga practice. 

I'm not the perfect Momma, not by a long shot. Grace doesn't get a bath everyday, she only likes to sleep in my arms, and she isn't crazy about sitting still in her stroller when we're out and about.  But I vow, that instead of indulging in the babykeeper, the creepy crib sheet, or any other such thing, we will make it through this journey they call childhood. You won't be a pageant baby and our yoga will consist only of baby massage and Momma's sweat.  And I might even let her use wire hangers when she's older. :)

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1 comment:

  1. I freaking love this. Snot sucker?! Really??? I had no idea such a thing existed. I'm so glad you reproduced. The world needs more (mostly) level-headed parents.



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